Exposing Embezzlers: Predators in the Church

Should two brothers sign checks for the church bank account?

No, they should not. But sometimes this happens in organizations and churches. Why?

Embezzlers come in many forms – sweet old ladies and dynamic young workers. They may be perceived to bring a lot of activity and revenue to your church. But the thing you must remember is they were grooming you to trust them long before they ever stole a dime.

Maybe the directors don’t want to be bothered with checks or they are afraid of some financial obligation by having their name on the account. This fear can be mitigated by purchasing directors’ insurance with the building insurance policy. This is needed for the pastor and elders/deacons as well.

The expensing of your donated funds requires careful oversight. No one ever expects to be embezzled. But temptation and personalities can deceive you when it comes to stealing church monies. Embezzlers are essentially con artists. But you cannot give them the opportunity to steal. This needs to be clarified in your church financial policy. Oftentimes, smaller churches face the problem of not having enough members to take care of simple tasks like signing checks. Protect your people and your revenue by having strict rules regarding money.

One of the things I have learned is that character-disordered individuals – narcissists, sociopaths, wolves in sheep’s clothing, embezzlers, oppressors, bullies and abusers – are among us and we don’t easily recognize them. It is not until you have experienced a relationship at home or at work with a high-conflict personality that you have a full understanding of the damage these people do to our organizations and our well – being.

Some insurance companies will not cover your church for theft if you do not press charges against the perpetrators. You must consider all these factors when making your church financial policy. And to protect the next church, we need to expose these people. This is the same type of predatory personality as child abusers and intimate partner predators. The victims of these perpetrators are speaking out. As this has given great insight into how these predatory personalities function covertly in the church.

The Bible speaks about Judas Iscariot plainly. He was embezzling among the twelve disciples. That is how good these personalities are at lying. They can tell a lie better than we can tell the truth. Once we understand that, we can humbly accept the fact that sometimes we are duped by these characters.

#wolvesinsheepsclothing

#embezzlers

#churchpolicy

#narcissistabuseawareness

#domesticabuseawareness

How Narcissistic School Leaders are Fueling the Testing Industry

A few years ago, I was in the throes of trying to figure out how to deal with my destructive marriage. I had lived in the cycle of domestic violence for decades. My former husband was exhibiting increasingly bizarre and cruel behavior. It was not new for him to be cruel, but it had become elevated. He had taken me to the hospital for surgery early one morning and stopped at the curb telling me to get out and call him when it was over. He had announced that he was impotent and wasn’t going to the doctor. He had disappeared for days. He broke open my bedroom door to yell at me. He began not talking or responding to different family members in front of him  at times. I started to catch him lying about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. He began to exhibit the behavior of someone being blackmailed. It was constant and surreal.

Finally, he came to my place of employment and gave me “a piece of his mind”. He was overheard and removed from church leadership the following day. I was no longer alone in trying to understand. He had given me the impression that I was the only one who thought he was treating me and others badly. He made me think that the community thought he was a great Christian guy. Certainly, there are people still deceived, but that person I thought he was, the person I thought I married, never actually existed. My health finally started to fail, and a doctor looked at me, at my chart and the third question was – “Are you married to a narcissist?”

I was confused. I didn’t think you could be a narcissist and a Christian, so I had ignored all the domestic violence information about narcissists because at the time, I thought he was a Christian. I now know the truth about character-disordered individuals and seared consciences, but my misunderstanding did delay my escape.

There is much information being published now about church leadership being accused of abuse of all kinds. The former wives of these fallen ministers and many other Christian women who escaped these marriages through life-saving divorces, are talking. It is truly astounding to be in a room of survivors talking about our experiences and wonder – were we all married to the same guy?

To bring it full circle, I was married to a school administrator. He presented himself as having a stellar career (until I remembered there were investigations at 3 of the 4 schools/districts and non-renewals in 2) but he loved to get great test scores for the district ratings. He loved his district to be highly rated by Niche. He loved promoting people into positions that brought better scores and especially if they would help create the image he wanted to maintain (or were willing to hide the truth). He taught image – management classes for aspiring school administrators.

He also thought antibullying education programs were the stupidest thing ever. He thought mental health initiatives were for the wimps. He would show up at the hospital when people he barely knew were sick or dying. (I didn’t know narcissists do that.) He abused me at home and soon after would be praying at the National Day at Prayer or passing out Gideon Bibles.

Churches and schools can be similar at times. They can both be worried about enrollment. They can both be worried about their image. They can both be worried about how they compare to the other churches and schools. They can both become prideful and exclusive. They can both be worried about performance. They can both look at other churches and schools as inferior.

But the interesting thing is that churches are learning the hard lessons of how awful narcissist leaders are for their organizations before the schools have. Why is that?

Money. Money. Money. ( and Julie Roys… 😊 )

Testing students requires a lot of manpower. It requires a lot of technology. It requires long contracts. It supplies capital for politicians’ campaigns. It feeds the comparison monster. It exhausts victims because their cries fall on deaf ears. It puts teachers on edge because they sought this profession to build people, not buildings and reputations. Narcissist leaders cover up domestic violence, restraining orders, sexual misconduct, and child abuse. They ignore the illnesses their employees are getting by being employed in these systems.

There is a phrase that every Christian woman in an abusive marriage hears and then it sinks in.

“Jesus loves the people in the marriage more than he loves the institution of marriage.”

 People are more valuable than institutions. Understand that, and you can walk out with dignity and self -respect.

And that is what many parents are doing today. The homeschool movement is called the de-schooling movement in other countries. Parents have complained about the over testing, and they are told they fear accountability for their schools. They are told to “get on board”.  They are shut down by the leaders that value the institution over the student lives. They are given pat answers and lip service by leaders who look at people as objects to be manipulated to get what they want.

Victims of domestic violence, that went to their church leaders for help and were further abused when the church did not understand and sided with the abuser,  are often among the de-churched. The de-churched are people who love God, but the caustic atmosphere of the local church has caused them to forge a new path. They are no less passionate about their God, but they are doing “church” in new and old ways. It just might not be as part of an institution.

Honestly, character-disordered individuals, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and wolves in sheep’s clothing, are nothing new. But what is new is that the victims of these con-artists are talking. Once you have experienced this kind of betrayal and trauma, you will never forget it. Covert abusers are really, really good at being the person you want them to be – while they are in front of you. This kind of manipulation is one of their superpowers. And they thrive in schools and churches where most people want to make better humans, because they are counting on us to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I hope for the sake of the employees and children in our schools, the leadership in each district wakes up and makes changes soon. Just like the institutional church is changing one church at a time – schools will improve one district at a time.

#wolvesinsheepsclothing

#domesticviolenceawareness

#covertnarcissism

#divorcinganarcissist

#thesociopathnextdoor

#highconflictdivorcecoach

#withoutconscience

#raiseyourhandtexas

#texansadvocatingformeaningfulstudentassessments

New Year, New Vision

2024 New Year -New You!

As this year begins, I am turning 60 years old. At 30 I probably thought turning 60 would be a milestone towards “retirement” but it is truly the beginning of my adult life. You see, in the spring of 2021, I filed for divorce from a 35-year marriage that looking back, was never really a marriage. I tried my best to present us as a happy family to the public, as I was protecting myself and my children from the consequences of NOT letting people think that. I had literally no idea who the man I was married to was until the last few years. And even as I figured things out, I still hoped for his change.

It’s funny how people see and know things that a wife would want to know to inform her to protect her sexual health and her heart. Why withhold that information? But I understand that people hope that what they witnessed was a one-time incident, they just don’t want to get involved or be sued or fired in retaliation. I get it.

On top of that, it is just plain embarrassing to realize that you yourself were deceived by someone. And that is also true of organizations and institutions.

Does a church want to know if an intimate partner predator is a deacon? Or if a wolf in sheep’s clothing is teaching Sunday School?

Does a school district want a guy that abuses family members in charge of children?

No, they don’t.

When justice happens on the earth, church leadership removes these predators from positions of influence. When school districts figure it out, they give the “kiss of death” by not taking action on the abuser’s contract.

My divorce was final in January of 2022. I left a lot on the table to get out quickly. But after the house sold, I chose to move toward family and start over. I haven’t stopped smiling since.

But as I continue to move forward, there is a need to look back. How did I get duped by this guy? When did it all begin? Where was the first lie that I believed? How did this trauma bond form? How were others affected by witnessing the moments I was abused? Where was God when all this going on? How is it that me, a Christian woman with a master’s in education, never understood – ACEs, predators, coercive control, narcissists, character-disordered individuals, trauma bonds, cult leader behavior, gas-lighting, future faking, love bombing.

And, most important, how when YOU are the recipient of this behavior – this behavior of others causes YOUR health to decline.

I have profound gratitude for those that gave me agency, supported me at the worst times, made sure a cop was in the parking lot of my workplace during my divorce, listened and comforted me, and just were good humans.

Thank you, thank you.

#narcissism #divorcinganarcissist #divorcingasociopath #intimatepartnerpredator

#domesticviolence #domesticviolenceawareness #childabuse #childabuser #toxicleadership #texaspublicschools #pearlandtx #wolvesinsheepsclothing #predators #predatorsinthechurch

#gratitude #lifesavingdivorce #traumabonds #lovebombing #ocersivecontrol