A few years ago, I was in the throes of trying to figure out how to deal with my destructive marriage. I had lived in the cycle of domestic violence for decades. My former husband was exhibiting increasingly bizarre and cruel behavior. It was not new for him to be cruel, but it had become elevated. He had taken me to the hospital for surgery early one morning and stopped at the curb telling me to get out and call him when it was over. He had announced that he was impotent and wasn’t going to the doctor. He had disappeared for days. He broke open my bedroom door to yell at me. He began not talking or responding to different family members in front of him at times. I started to catch him lying about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. He began to exhibit the behavior of someone being blackmailed. It was constant and surreal.
Finally, he came to my place of employment and gave me “a piece of his mind”. He was overheard and removed from church leadership the following day. I was no longer alone in trying to understand. He had given me the impression that I was the only one who thought he was treating me and others badly. He made me think that the community thought he was a great Christian guy. Certainly, there are people still deceived, but that person I thought he was, the person I thought I married, never actually existed. My health finally started to fail, and a doctor looked at me, at my chart and the third question was – “Are you married to a narcissist?”
I was confused. I didn’t think you could be a narcissist and a Christian, so I had ignored all the domestic violence information about narcissists because at the time, I thought he was a Christian. I now know the truth about character-disordered individuals and seared consciences, but my misunderstanding did delay my escape.
There is much information being published now about church leadership being accused of abuse of all kinds. The former wives of these fallen ministers and many other Christian women who escaped these marriages through life-saving divorces, are talking. It is truly astounding to be in a room of survivors talking about our experiences and wonder – were we all married to the same guy?
To bring it full circle, I was married to a school administrator. He presented himself as having a stellar career (until I remembered there were investigations at 3 of the 4 schools/districts and non-renewals in 2) but he loved to get great test scores for the district ratings. He loved his district to be highly rated by Niche. He loved promoting people into positions that brought better scores and especially if they would help create the image he wanted to maintain (or were willing to hide the truth). He taught image – management classes for aspiring school administrators.
He also thought antibullying education programs were the stupidest thing ever. He thought mental health initiatives were for the wimps. He would show up at the hospital when people he barely knew were sick or dying. (I didn’t know narcissists do that.) He abused me at home and soon after would be praying at the National Day at Prayer or passing out Gideon Bibles.
Churches and schools can be similar at times. They can both be worried about enrollment. They can both be worried about their image. They can both be worried about how they compare to the other churches and schools. They can both become prideful and exclusive. They can both be worried about performance. They can both look at other churches and schools as inferior.
But the interesting thing is that churches are learning the hard lessons of how awful narcissist leaders are for their organizations before the schools have. Why is that?
Money. Money. Money. ( and Julie Roys… 😊 )
Testing students requires a lot of manpower. It requires a lot of technology. It requires long contracts. It supplies capital for politicians’ campaigns. It feeds the comparison monster. It exhausts victims because their cries fall on deaf ears. It puts teachers on edge because they sought this profession to build people, not buildings and reputations. Narcissist leaders cover up domestic violence, restraining orders, sexual misconduct, and child abuse. They ignore the illnesses their employees are getting by being employed in these systems.
There is a phrase that every Christian woman in an abusive marriage hears and then it sinks in.
“Jesus loves the people in the marriage more than he loves the institution of marriage.”
People are more valuable than institutions. Understand that, and you can walk out with dignity and self -respect.
And that is what many parents are doing today. The homeschool movement is called the de-schooling movement in other countries. Parents have complained about the over testing, and they are told they fear accountability for their schools. They are told to “get on board”. They are shut down by the leaders that value the institution over the student lives. They are given pat answers and lip service by leaders who look at people as objects to be manipulated to get what they want.
Victims of domestic violence, that went to their church leaders for help and were further abused when the church did not understand and sided with the abuser, are often among the de-churched. The de-churched are people who love God, but the caustic atmosphere of the local church has caused them to forge a new path. They are no less passionate about their God, but they are doing “church” in new and old ways. It just might not be as part of an institution.
Honestly, character-disordered individuals, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and wolves in sheep’s clothing, are nothing new. But what is new is that the victims of these con-artists are talking. Once you have experienced this kind of betrayal and trauma, you will never forget it. Covert abusers are really, really good at being the person you want them to be – while they are in front of you. This kind of manipulation is one of their superpowers. And they thrive in schools and churches where most people want to make better humans, because they are counting on us to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I hope for the sake of the employees and children in our schools, the leadership in each district wakes up and makes changes soon. Just like the institutional church is changing one church at a time – schools will improve one district at a time.
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